there's paper in my vomit.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
