Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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