And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
