I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We have so much sex to catch up on
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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