No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
