Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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