I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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