So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
