Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
nutella sex= disaster
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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