Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
