I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
