I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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