i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
