I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
