I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
