So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
