Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
They have beer where we have blood.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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