never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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