It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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