1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
