Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
