If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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