Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
