dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
