i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just want nice things and good sex
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
