If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize