I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
