i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
