did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Where is the hickey?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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