I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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