At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
