you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
