sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
