I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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