yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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