I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
