i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
