i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize