His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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