Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
