I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize