Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
