god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
ugly people sure do ruin things
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
