I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
