Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize