Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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