the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
