I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
