I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
