my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
