my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
