I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
