my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
