her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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