Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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