I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
