The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I can't put those talents on a resume
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
