My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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