Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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