I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
