So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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