wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
