Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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