The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
