I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
