So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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