I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
