you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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