she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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