my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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