Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
