You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
